4 n00b 3475 4 j311y b0mb

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Cquote1In Soviet Russia, noobs still get pwnd!Cquote2
— Everyone who is not a noob
Cquote1The few, the geeky, the noobs.Cquote2
— Noob campaign
— Some noob
Cquote1Hey fresh meat!Cquote2
— A Grunt upon seeing a n00b
Cquote1Your mom!Cquote2
— A n00b in response to a player saying "please stop spawn camping!"
Cquote1h44xor h0w did yo se mee i wuz invisible!!Cquote2
— n00b owned in Active Camouflage
Cquote1lol pwns.Cquote2
— n00b on all aspects of life
Cquote1OMG, how did I die on easy?Cquote2
— Random Noob
Cquote1Z0mg d1s th1ng r t3h cut3zors! m0mmy c4n i k33p it?Cquote2
— A Noob asking his mom about keeping a Noobasauras Rex for a pet.
Catherine Halsey

A bad case of n00b.

n00b - someone who sucks ass at the topic at hand and acts like a complete douchebag because of it. 1337(leet) speak,A.K.A. Elite speak (not to be confused with Wortish), is a common douchiness performed exclusively by noobs or people mocking noobs (distantly related to the jerk or asshole).Saying things such as:

  • "I'll pwn j00"
  • "ph41l"
  • "W7F?! j00 4R3 73H Ch347z0rz!!!11!!!one!!eleventy!"

    A meme that a n00b created to express his feelings

For gruntipedia

Now if only noobs would abide by this...

The n00b will in fact often call others n00bs, thus showing a complete lack of self-awareness. The only truly effective weapons against n00bs are "your momma" jokes and immediate and repeated termination, thereby giving them no room to insult. Be warned, the second course of action will often result in accusations of "h4x0r1ng", known to "normal" people as cheating.

N00biness Edit

Any certified doctor can easily diagnose the state of being a n00b, more commonly know as n00biness or Noob cancer. The following are things that are commonly checked when testing for n00biness. However, a strain of Noobititus B has recently had an outbreak. This virus automatically causes Nub stage Noobiness. It is transferred through the air from infected Nubs. Noobs do a lot of grenade spamming.(a noob tactic) The best way to diagnose a friend who is infected with Noob Cancer is to kill him/her on the spot and then teabag them.

Risk Factors Edit

Cquote1Oh shit!!!Cquote2
Oggespartan117 reading point 7.
Axel Homo Honoo after reading point 7.
Spartan 118 after reading point 7.
Cquote16 hours!? But I play 8 hours! OMG! *injects the antidote in his arm* Ah its gone now, but I'll still do 8 hours, LOL.Cquote2
ADMYAMAMOTO after reading point 3.
Cquote1Stop moving asshole!!!Cquote2
— A noob that didn't read point 8.

There are several risk factors associated with n00biness. The most common are:

  • 1) Having gone through puberty, but still having an abnormally high-pitched voice.
  • 2) Failing grade 1 English class.
  • 3) Playing Halo, or similar video games, for more than 6 hours straight (currently the record stands at 45.34 hours).
  • 4) Sucking ass but being unable to admit it. (if you can admit then you're still not a noob unless you use noob tactics)
  • 5) Using noob tactics(eg: PP and human weapon (the infamous noob combo), rocket launcher against people on the ground).
  • 6) Having a gamertag that includes 1337 speak or gibberish.
  • 7) Having a gamertag with the words spartan and/or a number that is a multiple, factor, close or equal to 117 in it
  • 8) Having a gamertag that includes the word "sniper" despite absolutely sucking with sniper weapons.
  • 9) Being a Noobish Editor.
  • 10) Getting laid by some nerdy chick that is krunk
  • 11) Being a little kid that masurbates
  • 12) Having a gamertag of a character in the game you're playing(eg: ppl who call themselves master chief in it).
  • 13) Having a gamertag with more than 5 numbers(eg: queefyboy1234567890).
  • 14) Not going outside for more than 24 hours.
  • 15) Thinking you're pro for beating the campaign on easy
  • 16) Sucking on easy mode
  • 17) Network hacks
  • 18) Cheat mods
  • 19) Doing nothing but spamming the map with power weapons, vehicles and large, interesting objects on Forge
  • 20) Taking more than 5 hours to complete the tutorial level, where there are no enemies.
  • 21) Failure to kill a hostile at pointblank range with a rocket launcher in an alley.
  • 22) Failure to note that above factor kills person instantly anyways, and still does it.
  • 23) Thinking "Teamkilling" is a good thing.
  • 24) Failure to understand that Shotguns are not to be used to blow open doors like you could do in real life.
  • 25) Singing anything by Justin Bieber.
  • 26) Singing "You Can't Touch This" over a live comm in a high pitched voice.
  • 27) Setting self on fire and rushing opponent, believing that they can still get a kill.
  • 28) Getting run over by a tank (Seriously...).
  • 29) Having a tank fall on oneself.
  • 30) Being sniped in the head by seven different people at the same time.
  • 31) Being sniped in the special place by seven different people at the same time.
  • 32) Failing to notice the trip mine field in front of you, even if it is glowing orange and beeping the entire time.
  • 33) Getting run over by a dude on a Mongoose (Honestly, nearly impossible without some serious calculations beforehand.)
  • 34) Calling yourself "Elmo".
  • 35) Killing teammates just to teabag them, forgetting about the Betrayal Rule.
  • 36) Getting run over by a wraith.
  • 37) Failure to know who Michael Jackson was.
  • 38) Failure to know who Elmo is.
  • 39) Failure to respect either of them, even if you didn't know them beforehand.
  • 40) Thinking the dead Brute in front of you is "Hot".
  • 41) Doing 360-Noscopes.
  • 42) Doing the above, but failing to kill anyone.
  • 43) Walking over a trip mine just because it's there.
  • 44) Getting spawnkilled by everyone the entire match.
  • 45) Not respecting grunts.

    an efficient noob-pwning weapon for Halo 4 and Halo 5

Anyone with any of these risk factors should immediately be tested for noobiness before playing any multiplayer games, in order to control the spread of the disease.

Symptoms Edit

Noobiness manifests itself in many ways. The most common symptoms are:

  • Not being able to tell the difference between an "A" and a "4".
  • Failing classes because you wrote your final papers using the above logic.
  • Sticking plasma grenades to your own crotch in order to prevent another human from getting the point from

killing you.

  • Sticking plasma grenades to your own crotch for no reason.

    All a n00b thinks about.

  • Sticking plasma grenades to your own crotch for sexual pleasure.
  • Yelling "This server sucks!" and disconnecting from the server the first time you are killed.
  • Craving Achievements for orgasms.
  • Tea bagging after every kill you get, not realising that tea bagging is for certain occasions or overated.
  • Have dreams you're making out with Cortana.
  • Have dreams you're making out with Tartarus
  • Shooting a plasma cannon on the gound and then saying "whoever killed me ima kill you."
  • Getting a boner after getting a kill.
  • Wanting to masturbate to Cortana, Miranda Keyes, or after getting a kill.
  • Tending to hog the aircraft, shotgun, mauler, sniper rifle, energy sword, and gravity hammer.
  • Keep trying to get a splatter spree in a banshee.
  • Excessive use of yo mama jokes, fat jokes, trash talk and just being a douche.
  • Jumping in front of a vehicle going faster than a speeding grunty in order to chuck down a bubble shield thinking that you are completely safe.
  • Relating every single answer to a question to Halo.
  • Messing with a Gravity Hammer.
  • Attemptage to stab a rocket.
  • Being extremely midgety despite age.
  • Calling people Noobs to excess
  • being a little kid who calls older people noobs and tries to get attention.
  • being just plain stupid yet saying others are stupid with your stupid baby jackal logic.
  • Thinking piracy is evil.
  • Having a name like "n00bkiller" while being UNable to kill anything.
  • Thinking you are MLG yet still suck.
  • Singing "My little Pwny" during a game of matchmaking

Note: Continued T-bagging of campaign NPC's is still under study. Not understanding the last sentence, however, has been proven accurate for early symptoms of n00b.

Treatment Edit

N00biness is extremely difficult to treat. Once initially infected, it is almost always impossible to stop the downward cycle. Some experimental methods that may work include:

  • 1 Taking extra English classes during summer school.
  • 2 Breaking the "4" key on your keyboard (although n00biness will eventually lead to this because of excessive use).
  • 3 Throwing away all of your grenades at the start of the round.
  • 4 Having a friend (assuming that you have any) beat you over the head with a baseball bat, a row, or an iron bar whenever you act like a n00b.
  • 5 Avoid use of the term "pwn" until you actually can "pwn".
  • 6 Seperating yourself from other n00bs for extended periods of time.
  • 7 Not killing yourself in a match at least once.
  • 8 Doing yoga whenever you see an SMG.
  • 9 Strenuous training in throwing grenades, driving Scorpions and speaking like a normal person.
  • 10 Having the guts to ask someone out.
  • 11 Having the guts to play a level with AIDs on at least normal difficulty.
  • 12 Beat campaign on at least normal difficulty.
  • 13 Rape their mother (if they have any).
  • 14 Kick their ass with their own move: the noob combo, camp with a mauler, and fire rocket launchers in their face.
  • 15 Throw mines in their camp ground.
  • 16 Gang up on them (then gang T-bag them).
  • 17 Gang stick them with plasma grenades.
  • 18 Actually try to aim (preferably for the head).
  • 19 Quit splazer/rocket camping and hoping to get anywhere.
  • 20) Actually taking the game seriously, and putting some effort into being a good player. This means ditch the bloody noob combo for an energy sword.
  • Killing someone in a match. With nothing more than your bare hands and a toothpick. One Hundred Fifteen Times. 

Transmission Edit

N00biness is highly contagious to those who are not vaccinated or have not gone through puberty. Exposure to any n00b for any amount of time puts you at risk of contracting n00biness. Exposure to n00bs should be minimized at all costs. If you need help facing down your n00biness, please speak to your local administrator.

Dealing With N00bs Edit

N00bs can contaminate you with n00biness very easily. The following are the proper tools to deal with them:

  • Camperguns
  • Sucky Mini Guns (they'll run to their mommas)
  • Noodlers (AKA The nOOB-inator)
  • Sniper Rifle (They'll never know what hit them...)
  • Yo Momma jokes
  • T-bagging (actually, this kind of fails a little bit...)
  • Any weapon in general, as long as you can aim with it.
  • Focus all kills on them to make them quit.
  • Or realy nothing at all because they will have already killed themselves.
  • Start shooting them, then let them kill you. Do that 2-3 times and boot them. Lose points but funny as hell.

Contagiousness... nessness Edit

  • The spread of n00bism has reached the point where grown men with normal voices are also in this state. This amplifies the theory that n00bism may also be caused by people with extremely small penises trying to compensate for their carnal shortcomings.

    This is a diagram of how to spot N00bs in the halo games.

If you encounter a noob... Edit

Rejoice you have something to troll. Or...

Armorlock and they'll realize that the EMP Gruntiness charge wasn't a myth.



The aforementioned noob-pwning technique

Steal their shotgun and anal rape them with buck shot to the point that they rage quit.


Stab them in the head with your assault rifle. See illustration for more details.


Shoot them to death like everybody else.

Types of Noob Edit

  • Achievement Whores: Noobs who attempt to unlock all achievements and film them using the Theater on Halo 3, or else asking friends to help them get achievements, and then bragging about the completely useless Katana

attached to their backs.

  • Campers AKA Girl Scouts (which user ShadowyLeftHand takes no offense to): Noobs who stand near player spawn points with a shotgun and kill people.
  • Aggressive Snipers AKA Lee Harvey Oswalds: Noobs who will do anything to get a hold of a Sniper Rifle, including killing their own team-mates. Lee Harvey Oswalds are known to yell BOOM! HEADSHOT! on the rare occasions they actually hit someone.
  • JFK Jrs.: Noobs who enter a Banshee or Hornet and just fly around crashing into things.
  • Beggars: Noobs who cant find there fav weapons so they cry and yell at you to trade weapons with them. WARNING they get more annoying after you trade weapons (trust me).
  • De-Levelers: Noobs who keep sticking themselves with Plasma Grenades or commit suicide in other manners to lower their level on XBL.
  • Major Noobs: There are many major noobs in the halo server. These are people who can't get up their rank and keep on creating new accounts until they rank up and when they finally reach brig or general they talk all the crap to lower ranks when they probably have played over 6000 ranked games total. Untill they reach the ranks after Field Marshall and brag about it even though they only ranked up because of credit farming.
  • (insert weapon) Whores: Noobs who camp by weapon spawnpoints and/or kill their teammates to get a hold of a certain weapon or vehicle. Common examples include Combo Whores, Shotgun Whores, Rocket Whores, and Tank Whores.
  • Modders AKA h4xz0rz5: These Noobs will actually pwn you... when they're modding anyway. You are probably playing against a modder if Ghosts start falling out of the sky right onto your head, you are attacked by a flying Warthog, somebody is shooting rockets out of their SMG, a giant gorilla suddenly spawns and rips you in half or the AIDs virus is unleashed. However if you fail to realize that the Server says "Mods Game" you're a noob.
  • Wannabe noobs: Noobs who think they can use a sniper rifle/tank but then they fail at it and when they die and their teammate takes it, they just bitch and moan about it and either kill their team mates or waits untill the weapon spawns by camping at the spawn and hitting the wall until it spawns
  • Leeroy Jenkins: This type of n00b, directly from World of Warcraft, basically makes all team activities fail.
  • Whiners a.k.a CryBabies: This type refuses to shut up, and when you kill them they cry and yell that you are cheating, or you're a nerd, or that your the noobies of noobs, ect. They are also rather weak and easy to tick off.
  • Shee-whores: While Shotgun Whores etc and JFK Jrs are mentioned above, this is a completely different category, and often fast-tracks the development of the Noob Disease. It involves hopping in the first Banshee the noob sees and using it with practiced f***tardness. If the noobs sees someone else using a banshee, they generally quit the server. People that yell 'SHEEWHORE!' at a Sheewhore are generally teetering on the brink of noobiness.
  • Nooblets: Also known as "Diet n00b" or "Noob Lite", these are a lesser level of n00bs that the term can be used lightly with. However, these n00blets can grow into full-fledged n00bs of any of the above forms. They are known for stupid mistakes mainly.
  • Fat Noobs:

A monstrous and fucking disgusting and fat versions of noobs which are even noobier than actual noobs. They also reproduce really fast. (eew...)

  • ****tards: A Nub that has somehow become noobier, although it is thought to be impossible.
  • Players who call other players "noobs": The average noob gamer is a clump of ego bound together by a net of profanity, overuse of cliched modern attack terms such as "whore", "n00b", and "retard", and a feeling of superiority gained by referring to onself as a carnivorous animal. This ego often exudes from sniper rifles and battle rifles and will occasionally form a symbiotic entity that speaks in an unintelligible but intricate language via microphone for the player and utters a depreciation of certain techniques, weapons, or vehicles upon being killed by said technique, weapon, or vehicle. Plasma pistols in conjunction with headshot-capable weapons are the natural predators of players who call other players noobs. A common and fairly effective defense mechanism of players communicating in text form is to quickly eject small noxious sentences that serve as rudimentary pseudo-arguments.
  • Noobasauras Rex: It kind of explains itself...
  • Armor Lock Whores: These noobs only appear in Halo: Reach because that's when Armor Lock was born. "Armor Lock Whores" are those players in Matchmaking that spam armor lock CONSTANTLY even after taking the SLIGHTEST bit of damage. They use it after you both melee eachother and your shields are low, they get out of armor lock and then melee you, which kills you. It's like the new Noob Combo. The proper way to dispose of Armor Lock Whores is to find out where they live and stab them in the fucking eye and take a shit in their mouth after you kill them. Also known as "Pussies", "Desperate Cowards", and "People who need to go to hell and get buttfucked by Satan". You can tell the person who wrote this FUCKING DESPISES Armor Lock!
  • Splazer-Shotty-Rocket-Noobs: People who use only those three weapons with great pleasure, but quit the instant someone uses any of said weapons against them.
  • Melee Noobs:These will always attempt to sprint at you and melee you in close quarter combat.This is the less skillful thing to do,they will do it regardless of there's a better chance to survive by shooting.There is a sub form of this noob that does the same with ghosts and never uses the guns,this form has also been known to drive the ghost into wraiths and any larger vehicle in an pathetic stupid attempt to kill it.

Stages of n00b disease Edit

Cquote1Croykey! That's a big one!Cquote2
— Steve Irwin on the species Ubernoobulas Diseasus

1. Newbie

Not generally considered the same a a n00b. this is mainly people who suck because they are new and this can lead to some-what Noob like behavior out of pissed-offness. The least threatening and generally most agreeable. Extended presence in this stage can result in advancing to stage 2. Can be confused with a decent player with a bad connection, as the symptoms are simaler.

2. N00b

The second stage and the first that is a true n00b is what occurs when you get annihilated by a n00b. This is the most common stage of infection. These n00bs are often seen using the shotgun and camp in small corners waiting to pounce on prey. It can also be noted that they cannot think. as in they are not sapient or sentient.

3. Nub

Very untreatable infection. Anyone past n00b is beyond treatment are prone to killing themselves every time they attack. The Nub is known to utilize it's complete suicidal maniac-ness to charge and blow up their opponents and taking them with him. These n00bs use Rocket Lawn Chairs as that's the only thing that even gives the a chance of getting a kill.

4. n00bad

The last and virtually untreatable stage. These n00bs have progressed so far that they are pwned even by other n00bs. These insecure pyshtoic homos are no joke. Typically, a n00b in this stage is seen quite sad. Unable to make even the simplest and easiest kills they suffer from severe schizophrenia. The have difficutly preforming the n00b tactics seen above; an obvious sign that this is a n00bad. They generally result from extreme exposure to n00biness. Having sexual intercourse with a n00b in this stage typically results in devoloping the symptoms and progressing to a n00bad in 2 weeks. This is the most common form of n00bads. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, severe schizophrenia, unable to communicate at any level with a n00b or else, acute migrines, reality displacement, thoughts of impossible pwnage, difficulty concernatating and learning, serval symptoms of Alzheimer's, extreme tampertaums resulting from momentary exposure to awsomeness, all other n00b symptoms, etc if you do come there frend however train them at all halo stuff as this offen results in a frendly noob version of chuck norris.

5. us

The worst of worst n00bs of all time

Known n00bs Edit

See also Edit

The worst kind of noobEdit

The worst noobs are teams who hold partys and parades on the battlefield. (Usually Valhalla or Sandtrap) This type of noobyness is cureable by getting lots of rocket launchers and sniper rifles. Target the leader first. (He will usaully be rideing on a warthog) Blow him up with no hesitstion. Then cut down his noobylings. WARNING: This may cause the noobylings to crash into you with their bansees. I once met a major n00b on Gaylo Peach Matchmaking shooting the air with a Crapnum. I crashed a falcon into IT BUT IT SURVIVED! i screamed HAX!!! 117 times and headblasted him wid a spartan lazar and shouted IMA FIRIN MA LAZAR! and he quitted matchmaking to get infected by AIDS with the Arbiturd. Also to note that this species of noob sometimes manifests itself in the form of a mighty demon which then attempts to hold an IRL wedding in Gaylo Pee. Another noticable side effect is actually enjoying Cursing. OH GOSH IM TURNIN IN TA 2 NEWBZORZS