This article is too damned short, Marine! You will help Gruntipedia by so it will fit the screen, fool!
|Destitute Rat Abuse|
3 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches OR 1 Grilled Cheese with Tomato Soup
|Damage Per Hit||
60 salt cubes
Over 9000 salt cubes
Forced Ingestion Rodent, Caseless
|Rate of Fire||
Gotta Go Fast
Effective Range: 2 meters Maximum Range: 6 meters
Common Household Items, to include
- I thought the little arrow was supposed to point towards enemies! PFC Wilkins was what it was pointing at. I should be awarded at least 13 medals for shooting him in the face.
- — Pvt. Kasey during court martial.
- If I wanted to interact with useless tools, I'd have joined logistics.
- — LCPL Oswalt, during initial weapons testing.
- I was under the impression that if something is called "a weapon", its actually supposed to damage things.
- — SGT Ashton
The MA5B Assault Rifle is the second major revision in the prestigious line of unspeakably shitty rifles. Originally a method for farmers to seed pot fields across wide areas, the UNSC found a use for this "weapon" as a cheap alternative to real guns. Using the innovative and amusingly inhumane rattatat mechanism, the gun propels salt cubes at the intended target with a muzzle velocity outmatched by slingshots.
This weapon system has been responsible for fewer confirmed kills than chlamydia, despite being mass manufactured for use by the entire UNSC throughout several major conflicts. This is mostly due to the fact that its ammunition is critters and table salt, but a number of other design missteps that remain uncorrected from the original MA5 don't help either.
As a bullpup weapon, its magazine is situated in the rear of the weapon. This allowed the rats - who are in the rear of the magazine - to shit copiously on any soldier who went without firing for even short periods of time. This often caused soldiers in the field to momentarily lose focus during a firefight, and many of them were killed as a result.
Deciding that fire rate and magazine size could compensate for inaccuracy, the sights of the weapon remain totally absent. The weapon instead features an ammunition counter because most UNSC Marines are incapable of counting, nor do they understand that the weapon is empty when it stops going "bang". Even with the counter, most soldiers tend to reload early, or just assume that two 0's means they have unlimited ammo. Underneath the ammo counter, a compass was installed to assist in navigation of the field. This is odd, since knowing which way north is in the heat of combat is rather useless in most cases, and the soldier would have to have their rifle out and waving around in order to orient. There are nearly 65,000 cases of friendly fire caused by soldiers trying to point their weapon in certain directions with the safety off and their fingers on the trigger.
The weapon also features a built in flashlight in the front of the weapon. Despite its large size and varied usefulness, this is considered literally the only intelligent design of the weapon.
Operation Mechanism Edit
This rifle uses the tried and true method of mechanized animal abuse called the Rat-tat-tat. The magazine contains 60 salt cubes and 60 tiny rats. When the trigger is pulled, a salt cube is forcibly inserted into the rat's mouth. Then the rat spits it out, and the process repeats until all salt cubes are gone. This is also the origin of the moniker "A Salt Rifle".
Animal rights organizations petitioned to eradicate this entire line of weaponry due to the flagrant abuse of rodents. The UNSC responded during an Animal Right's public rally by wildly firing MA5Bs into the crowd to disperse them. Despite over 2400 confirmed hits, there was not a single casualty during the attack. No one was killed in the ensuing street fight, though the streets were littered with the corpses of several thousand tiny rats.
Frank O'Connor, reknowned pot farmer and dedicated entrepreneur, was guilty of constantly partaking in his own product. As a result, he found himself too chill to do any farming on most days, and needed a new way to distribute seeds to his farm. Using a modified MA5 service rifle, he found that tiny rats - when attempting to ingest choking hazards - would spit an object to a reasonable distance. He immediately put his design to use and used this rifle for 6 years before the UNSC came upon it.
The UNSC, low on funding and desperate for a new way to feed lots of soldiers in a short time, requisitioned the design for this "weapon" by submitting Frank O'Connor to rigorous torture for hours at a time. Once the design was divulged, it was put into service immediately as a way to launch food directly into a soldiers mouth. This was intended to cut down feeding times and provide a convenient way to kill enemies and eat with the same item. Naturally, this led to a weapon that killed more friendly soldiers than enemies. Most marines regarded the weapon itself as edible and dental costs throughout the UNSC skyrocketed. Other soldiers, particularly officers, were intelligent enough to disassemble the weapon to bite-size pieces, only to choke and die when they attempted to eat them. Once word got around that the gun was not actually edible, the soldiers then took to eating the rodents in the magazine, and numerous disease outbreaks was reported.
Later in the rifle's service period ("service" used lightly), Master Chief would briefly attempt to use the rifle, mistaking it for its earlier model, the MA5. After uselessly pelting an Elite with salt, he settled with simply using any MA5B as a throwing or bludgeoning weapon. Its the only recorded time in history the Master Chief legitimately fires the gun at anything. Though the weapon's Rat-tat-tat mechanism was widely celebrated among a rapidly decreasing user base, it was quickly replaced by the MA5C in 2553.