- We must protect the ring!
- — The Arbiter
- Shut your goddamn 4 mouths, Arbiter. You don't even appear in the n00by game.
- — John-117Halo: Combat Evolved is a game developed by Awesome Studios. It is a sequel to Halo: Wombat Evolved.
What is Halo: Combat Evolved?
Halo Combat Evolved is the game revolving around the first space hula hoop, or as Avery Johnson calls it gods own anti son of a bitch machine. Halo one is known as alpha hula hoop, it is also the name of an unknown video game series called Halo, by Bungie. The main purpose of this giant construct was mainly used to trap the Gravemind so the sex crazed maniac will not be able to spread the AIDS virus through the universe. But until it's destruction by Chuck Norris, it was controlled by a small not so threatening light bulb.
After Bungie got this idea to make a game based on untrue events, they made it public by releasing it for a console because they thought it would be funny that a shooter was on a console. Then they made the uneccessary and unwise decision to put it on the Small Windows of Time and the F*ck 'n Toss operating systems. How ironic.
It fires anti popcorn rays to kill popcorn. Pretty much, the Halo is a reverse microwave. With a minor side affect of killing all life as well. This hula hoop, like all the others was made by the assholes who started all this shit Halo's warning label: Warning do not aim at head, genitals or universe! ... or anything else.
The Alpha Hula Hoop was constructed by the bastards that started all this crap 1000 kabillion gazillion years ago, to house Gravemind. Gravemind used it as his bitchin crib and held awesome parties on the ring. Until he accidently gave someone AIDS as such the annoying popcorns were born. Gravemind was then deserted by his friends because they were scared he would give them AIDS.
Halo: Combat Evolved
The Covenant discovered this Hula Hoop and thought they could play with it and swing this ancient construct on their hips. Although this was truly physically impossible this was what encouraged most Covenant species into joining the Prophets.
They discovered this Hula Hoop while chasing an over confident group of Marines and soon landed on the construct before the Jesus could and found a control center which they thought was a way to shrink Halo small enough so they can swing this hula hoop around their hips. But while trying to activate it Gravemind raped a couple of elites and soon half of the Covenant battle force was diagnosed with AIDS.
Soon the Marines opened up a door (back door) and then they got raped and got the AIDS virus too.
It All The Shit Began
Once upon a time, on the Pillar of Autumn, Burger Nyucka was watching The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. Meanwhile, a Covenant ship was passing nearby, absolutely not noticing the Human ship. But when Burger Nyucka discovered that Darth Vader was actually Luke Skywalker's father, he yelled in stupor. As every good Gruntipedia knows,Burger's yells are quite like noobtubers fapping. So he yelled, driving delirious the ships' instruments. Every Covenant and every Marine shouted "WTF? Let's fight!" and Captain Keyes, in a desperate attempt to show he wasn't a fearful n00b, unleashed the Gruntinator's terrible power. As he woke up, he tore apart with his bare hands two Marines, because he didn't like their shoes' color, and burst out of the cryo room shouting "What the fuck's happening here? Why's everybody runnin' around like n00bs? Why aren't you blindly obeying my orders? Why don't these Xenomorph-like things have anything on their crotch that I can rip off? THIS MAKES ME ANGRY!"
So he fought his way through the ship, while slaughtering dozens of Elites and Grunts and eating their innards. He then reached the Control Room...
-KEYES! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL'S GOIN' ON HERE? -I'm so sorry Chief, we were just trying to save us from Cove= -WHY THE IN THE WORLD YOU CRAP IN MY MOUTH DID YOU WAKE ME UP? YOU'RE JUST A... Wait, My homy's aboard this ship. I sense his horniness. Then, the Chief thought "If I blow up the whole ship, maybe I'll kill him." and then shouted "LET'S BLOW UP THE WHOLE FUCKIN' SHIP!". Keyes began screaming like a girl and ran in circle for a pair of minutes, then ("Stroke of luck", the Chief thought) accidentally shot himself in the back with his own pistol. The Chief started destroying he ship with his own hands: this eventually led to the Autumn's destruction. Then he stuffed the lifeboats with Marines (including Keyes, who made the Chief feel sort of pitiful towards such a retarded creature), and activated them. Everybody flew towards that giant, enigmatic space hula hoop...
Hula-Hoop: First Contact
So they approached the hula-hoop: fortunately all Marines died in the impact. Instead, the Chief survived due to his badassness and his unnatural luck (well, mainly because of the second one and the fact that he used the marines as his pitiful human shield). He began searching the other survivors, but he found only an entire Covenant platoon (that was obviously slaughtered) and empty lifeboats. Finally, he discovered a few Marines, but he killed them because they made him worry. Then the Chief was rescued by some ass-sucking Pelican and flew to the "Lies and Treachery", a Covenant ship where Keyes (who was an idiot, but knew lots of precious information due to his rank of Captain, probably obtained by teabagging the Admiral of the UNSC fleet) and other survivors had been taken.
The Lies and Treachery
When the Chief arrived, he discovered that the situation was worse than he thought: some retarded Covenant pilot left the ship floating in mid-air, and he had to get there. But how? He began thinking hard. And for "thinking" I mean "WHY THE FUCK THESE MOTHER FUCKER ALIENS LEFT THE DAMN SHIP FLOATING? DO THEY THINK THAT CAN STOP ME? THIS MAKES ME ANGRY!". Then he magically soared to the ship due to his being Billy Mayes reincarnation, mercilessly vandalising its walls to take revenge.
Into the ship, the Chief didn't look around himself. This could have been a deadly error for him, because an Invisible Elite spotted him. Luckily enough for the Chief, the Invisible Elite wielded a freakin' huge spork that emitted a blinding light, making him quite easy to be seen, and was a retard too. So, when he saw the Chief, instead of thinking "Wort wort wort... it could be easy for me to sneak behind that probably hostile and deadly angry (the Chief was swearing like mad because he just stepped on a bubble gum, so it didn't take to be a smarty-pants to notice it... don't you think that Elite was clever, otherwise the next thing he does is gonna leave you pretty puzzled.) guy and eviscerate him with my bad ass plasma sword", he thought "Wort wort wort... it could be easy for me to roar like a psycho and get spotted by that probably hostile and deadly angry guy... wort wort wort wort wort!" (He was an easily excitable Elite who easily got horny). Guess what he chose to do? He obviously roared,(and got a boner) so the Chief spotted him, seized his arms and forced him to swallow the sword whole. The sword burst from the elites butt-hole, covered in Elite diarrhea. Chief put on the elites invisible cold-hot pads and took the Dirrahea Sword Drenched in Shit with him. Chief walked aimlessly through the ship, but he couldn't find the bathroom anywhere. So just then, he became visible again right in front of an Elite who was wondering what the hell that diarrhea smell was.The Elite didn't see Chief because the diarrhea smell burned his eyeballs, so Chief snuck past him. The Chief didn't get his eyes burned out because he was really Elmo (and a really pissed off Elmo at that).
Lots of Covenant died and comparitively few Marines, but, nobody cares really because the most important loss was the Grunts and even more importantly the good Magnum went up in space with Alpha halo and from then on the UNSC has never seen a good magnum ever again.
Plenty of wreckage was left behind, and the Covenant used the remaining rubbish to build several large spaceships, a prophet of truth's covenant joke book factory, and a strip club. Unfortunately the strip club was shut down due to a stripper accidentaly taking a shit on the manager ( a Jackal ) who freaked out and swore " WHY THE F@#$K F@#$K DID U FUC@$%KING FUC@$%KING TAKE A DAMN SHIT ON MY HOT ASS G@Y STRIPPER COSTUME YOU MOTHER FUCKING BITCH!!! Causing the world to implode because no one knew Jackals could talk which reversed the space-time continuom, ending the world as we know it.
- A version of this game was released on Xbox 360 but nobody knows it exists, I've seen it at EB games but no one cares.
- An even more simplified version of the game was made into Halo: The Flood
- Your mother owns this game