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Thee Pi Lourrd, also known as "The Pie Lord" or "That Big Evil Can of Worms", was an evil hunter. Very evil. Very evil. He killed his own bond-brother and infected him with AIDS. Yep, you read it right, AIDS. Evil, huh? He hates all things,though some say he may like potatoes for some reason. And worse...he is a Halopedian...how despicable.
Thee Pi Lourrd was born in a small hovel on the bad side of Space Legoland. He had a brother, who nobody really cared about. Pi Lourrd was the most popular person in his schools, because he threatened to eviscerate anybody who didn't bow to him at least three times a day. Fun Fact! - Thee Pi Lourrd was the youngest being to assassinate every politician from his planet! Another fun fact is that he assassinated every politician on Balaho as he didn't like Grunts...what an asshole, murdering those Grunts.
At a young age, he murdered his bond-brother, Ae Pi Dood, like I said earlier (geez, pay more attention) and infected his body with AIDS. It gets lamer though. After the murder and subsequent infection of his brother, he totally ditched him to go hang out with "the cool kids". Pie Dude never found his brother again. That's alright though. All he would've done in that state is infect his brother anyways.
Thee Pi Lourrd served for years as a Hunter soldier in the
Legion of Gay Covenant. He fought in many battles, such as Harvest and the Battle of Reach. In that time, he killed approximately infinity humans. That's obviously not true, but hey, are you going to volunteer to be the one to tell him that? No? Didn't think so.
He had a crazy run-in with Chuck Norris once. The Chief was just running along, shooting Covies like he always does, when he noticed one of them wasn't dying. This, naturally, pissed him off. He pulled out his rocket launcher, fired, and still the alien didn't die. Chief shouted "FUCK YOU!" at the top of his lungs, and quit Campaign in favor of Matchmaking. This alien was Pie Lord, and scientists are still trying to unlock the secrets of his "Anti Badass Field" to this very day.
He quit the Covies in a storm of blood. Duh. What, did you think he'd stick around?! He's evil! He killed a metric ass-load of aliens, and made bedsheets out of their skin. He then bailed, stealing a ship called the Explosive Diarrhea. He used the ship to find all the Hula Hoops using a piece of technology no Covenant alien has ever understood. A map.
These "maps" intrigued the Testicle Chins, except one, who instantly decided he hated maps. They sent an Elite mercenary, Zaeed Massan'ee, to find Pie Lord,and fuck him up
the ass, and figure out how maps worked. When Zaeed located Pie Lord's ship, the Explosive Diarrhea, he assaulted it with a fleet of other mercenaries. Though the Elite really tried, he couldn't defeat the mighty Hunter. He managed to escape Pi Lourrd's wrath, however, and... not die. He did other stuff, but that's not important here.
An Evil Plan
Pie Lord planned to take control of the AIDS by threatening them with the Hula Hoops, and using them to conquer all of the known universe. He got Gravemind's cellphone number, called him up, and started making death-threats. Gravemind nearly pissed himself and had a bunch of AIDS guard him all the time. Of course, Pie Lord wouldn't have cared. Sadly, he didn't get a chance to display his apathy towards Gravemind's AIDS aides, as something went horribly wrong with his horribly wrong plan.
Kwarsh caught wind of his plans. Pie Lord, in order to combat the Gruntiness for the coming battle with the illustrious Supreme Major Admiral General Commander Emperor of Grunts, developed something very dangerous. Hunterishness. It was like a lot of Gruntiness fused into one super form which could destroy a Jackhole in less then a second. Pie Lord tested this by personally testing it's strength on many, many Jackholes. Finally, the day came.
The Big Battle, And Then Lamer Parts
The Big Battle began. Kwarsh had a immensely humoungous armada of Grunts, their ranks spreading of into the horizon like a gazillion glorious Food Nipples. In front of them stood Thee Pi Lourrd, alone, with only his personal Semen Cannon, his big-ass Hunter Shield and his invention of Hunterishness to defend him. Well, that and evil. The exact details of the battle are sketchy, as only three Grunts lived through it, and they weren't in the mood for storytelling, as they had built up quite the Grunty thirst. In the end, Pie Lord tired himself out killing all those Grunts, just as Kwarsh had predicted. With Pi Lourrd exhausted, Kwarsh and the two other Grunts poked the gargantuan Hunter of evil into submission. The battle was over.
Kwarsh initially sentenced Pie Lord to death via the Heretic Pit, but top scientists at Nipple Academy determined that, though most assuredly deep enough, the Pit wasn't wide enough to contain the huge-ass Hunter that stood before them. Kwarsh then decided that it wasn't worth all the trouble, as he was getting tired, but that soon changed. Pie Lord did the unthinkable, the most heinous, evil, evil act in all the galaxy. He told Kwarsh he sucked. The Grunty Supreme Major Admiral General Commander Emperor simply could not let this go unpunished, so he exiled Thee Pi Lourrd to Covenant Hell, where he would be killed by n00bs. It appeared that the Pie Lord was done for, and the threat was no more.
The End... Hopefully
But it was not so. He dodged his fate by stowing away on an idiot cargo ship, the Pillar of Whatever. He lived a peaceful, evil life for the next few days, killing various crew members unlucky enough to venture within his Hunterish reach, feasting upon their entrails and playing Halo 2. His smug sense of evil turned to horror, however, when he learned what was in all the crates. As space travel is long and boring, he read a copy. He made it through an astounding five minutes of reading before he committed suicide.
Thee Pi Lourrd became famous amongst assholes after his apparent death. He is depicted on the currency of some assholes because he threatened to haunt them if they didn't, and he is the official Patron UnSaint of General Evil. Rumors are told in space bars throughout the galaxy of a ghost-ship drifting aimlessly through space, inhabited by a mangled Hunter bent on the most evil forms of destruction. Anyone who actually believes these bullshit stories is hunted (intended) down and thrown in some cursed spaceship with a Hunter in it.
Well Great, He's Back
In the process of drifting aimlessly through space, the Pillar of Whatever eventually collided with something. That something... was EARTH! Pie Lord escaped the ship before it hit the surface, and jacked a Pelican from the hangar bay. He flew back to Covenant territory, to take care of some unfinished business. Two people in the past escaped his wrath, Kwarsh and Massan'ee, and he had to kill them both. Technically, Master Chief had also escaped his wrath, but Pie Lord wasn't touching that one with a fifty foot pole.
Pi Lourrd totally tricked out his Pelican, adding all kinds of guns and maps. When he was done with it, the vehicle could no longer be described as a Pelican. It was dubbed the "Bad-Ass Muthah", and it struck fear in the hearts and bowels of all who observed it. After Pie Lord's most recent "death", the BAM was lost in the apocalyptic destruction of the soon-to-come final battle with Kwarsh.
The Fall of Massan'ee
First on Pie Lord's shit list was Zaeed Massan'ee, the elite who escaped Pie Lord's wrath during his attempted assassination. He tracked the merc down to his sports bar on Sangheilios, the Leet homeworld. He walked in, flipped Massan'ee off, and fired his lazor. The merc turned bartender dodges, and, recognizing Pie Lord as the Hunter who ruined his life as personal assassin to the Profits, pulled out his dual Plasma Sporks. This was a stupid move, as Pi Lourrd had a hugantic Hunter space shield, the perfect counter to a Japanese dildo. Massan'ee's mouth fell open at the sight of the shield and attempted to call Osama Bin Laden for backup, before his 1950s telephone (don't ask) was smashed by a bottle thrown by a drunken pothead Grunt, high on its own planet's marijuana.
The two dueled in the sports bar for three days, Pie Lord slowly gaining the upper hand. Massan'ee, in his attempt to regain his honor, would not back down. Pie Lord, in his attempt to completely destroy all traces of Massan'ee's honor, would not back down either. Eventually, Pie Lord broke out his Hunterishness, granting him power greater than any other (Well... most others.). He used his size to crush his foe by sitting on him. In his last words, Massan'ee asked if Pi Lourrd would at least give him a proper burial. The Hunter spat on his corpse and threw it in a nearby dumpster instead. Pie Lord then burnt down the sports bar, pimp-slapped Massan'ee's wife and hopped in the BAM. Pi Lourrd left Sangheilios, eager to assassinate his next target.
Heretic Pit Showdown: The Encounter With Kwarsh
No alarms were tripped as the BAM stealthily flew using its invisibility cloak towards the Grunty homeworld of Balaho. Kwarsh, supreme lord of the Grunts, was observing the execution of a particularly annoying Jackal at the Heretic Pit II. As he turned to face the crowd of Grunts there to watch the execution, he noticed something was wrong. As it does not rain Pelicans on Balaho, the large vehicle diving towards the crowd was definitely out of place. Things seemed even more awry when the heavily modified Pelican parked on top of many Grunts, killing them. Then, to Kwarsh's amazement, a familiar figure emerged from the vehicle. It was the Pie Lord. Kwarsh pulled the lever on the execution stage and the Jackhole was swiftly decapitated and dropped into the Pit. Kwarsh pulled out two Energy Swords, being the only Grunt epic enough to do so, and awaited the Hunter's move.
Pi Lourrd charged at the mighty Grunt, shield in front of him like a large battering ram. Kwarsh dodged, and stabbed the Hunter in the ass. Unphased by this move, the Hunter did some sort of crazy Jedi backflip, landing behind the mighty Grunt. Kwarsh, in a crazy whirlwind of Grunty power, spun around and sliced off both arms and head of the Pie Lord. He assumed it was over. He was wrong. On the headless neck of Thee Pi Lourrd, a new head grew. The Hunter laughed. Growing back both his arms, he went on to explain that by surviving five minutes of the Great Covenant Book of Jokes, he had become immortal. Kwarsh, not much caring, took the opportunity presented by Pie Lord's gloating, and attempted to roundhouse kick him into the Heretic Pit II. Pie Lord blocked the move and grabbed the small Grunt by his throat. Kwarsh's many Grunty followers drew their weapons as Taters dropped out of a purple Longsword. He pulled out dual Spikers, readied a Fuel Rod Gun and stunned the Pie Lord by spiking his Darth Vader-esque oxygen tanks. Kwarsh freed himself from the Hunter's grasp and Taters handed him the dual Energy Swords. Together, they launched an explosive attack.
The fierce battle ensued for many months, with billions of Grunt cannon fodder backing up Kwarsh and Taters. Pie Lord had no trouble obliterating the small Grunts for the first day, but soon he was down to his last round of Semen Blast. Kwarsh threw one of his swords to Taters and he performed a jumping attack. Pie Lord timed the shot just right and disarmed Taters. He crawled up against the wall and pulled out his Fuel Rod. Dazed, Taters fired. The shot missed by inches, but the AoE was enough to stun the Pie Lord. Kwarsh realised there was an opportunity to defeat the Pie Lord, and he took it. Kwarsh lifted his sword and shoved it right through the feared Pie Lord's abdomen. He pulled it out and decapitated, once again, the Pie Lord. Kwarsh powered up his roundhouse kick and Taters jumped up to help. Together, they launched the gargantuan Hunter into the Heretic Pit II.
Lord of the Pit
Now, Pie Lord dwells at the bottom of the Heretic Pit II. He has become a Devil-like figure in Grunt legends. The Hunter is believed to be raising an army of the damned down there, preparing to invade the surface. Nobody likes that though, so it has gone largely ignored. If he ever comes back, Kwarsh has plans to move to Vegas and open a Casino.
After the great battle at the Pit II, it has become a Grunty tradition to fart in the Heretic Pit every year on the anniversary of the battle. This day is known as "Fartmas" to the Grunts, and it angers Pi Lourrd immensely. The Grunts also give each other gifts, which they throw down the Pit, hoping to bean the Dark Hunter in the head. They also eat curry, the Pie Lord's least favorite food. It is believed that the Hunter will return on this very holiday, as it is a day designed entirely to piss him off. Some variations of Fartmas celebrated on different days include "Spitoween" and "St. Kwarsh's Puke" In other parts of Bahalo where the Heretic Pit cannot be reached, they celebrate "Kwaanshit" and "Pissokah".