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Kwarsh is the undisputed lord of all Grunts. He is 5", has an immeasurably high IQ and is currently looking for a Grunty queen to rule alongside with. He enjoys long walks on the beach, dislikes pants, and is a fanatical cheese devotee, seeking someone who shares these interests. He is the main aggressor of the War on Pants. Even to this day, nobody knows who the hell "Kwarsh" is, despite his apparent worship on Gruntipedia.


A long time ago, Kwarsh's parents got funky took grandma to Appleby's in a pit of Jackal Stew, in the most disgusting form of the word, and he was the result. The youngest of his 20 brothers and sisters, Kwarsh always got the literal short end of the dick, and the short straw for the Food Nipple. Apparently, though, Kwarsh once went crazy after eating the food meant for the Elites and killed his entire family as a result. Under any other circumstances, he would have been skinned alive and then thrown into a pit of Jackholes, but that day the Prophet of Pissiness was feeling kind, and decided to spare Kwarsh, forcing him to work in the Fart Mines, where he and his kind would harvest the sacred Lighter Fluid/Farts.
After he worked a good 15 years in the mines, Kwarsh was allowed back into civilization, and he tried to get a job, only to be turned down at the Nipple Academy because he smelled like farts. Again, he went crazy, killing his Elite supervisors, taking one's sword, and massacring the Academy by slaughtering all but 3 students there, Yayap, Espock, and Siffles.
After reaching the age of 22, Kwarsh joined the military, and was stationed with a bunch of Jackholes, who constantly abused him in many ways. After they violated him while he slept, Kwarsh retaliated by biting all their penis's off the next day. It was at this point that the Elites had no idea what to do to Kwarsh, and the Prophet of Laid-backiness refused to let him be killed. So, they sent him to work with the mentally-hindered Grunt, known as "Dadab", who claimed to be able to talk to flying jellyfish.
Dadab had apparently created the Gruntiness. Something that when a Grunt touched it, they'd turn Grunty, a state of power unimaginable to anyone. Kwarsh volunteered himself as a guinea pig, and experienced a violent outburst that ended in the death of 248 Prophets. Still, the 3rd High Prophet, Prophet of Indifference, didn't really care, and Kwarsh was once again left alone, to fend for himself.
After the discovery of Gruntiness, Kwarsh recruited Espock, Siffles and Yayap to work with himself and Dadab to attempt a Grunt Rebellion, and win everything for the home team. After multiple attempts to destroy the ones that freed there leader and promised him a natural death, the Grunts came to their senses.

After the Grunt Rebellion failed, Kwarsh was sentenced to further mining work, and the Human-Covenant War started, much to the Grunts' dismay.

Alpha HaloEdit

Kwarsh's first real non-civil military campaign was on the "first" Halo. He and Yayap rescued an Elite because they thought he'd feed them, but he just took Yayap away. This worried Kwarsh, but he covered his worry by biting his superiors' kneecaps. After doing a barrel roll, Kwarsh survived Chuck Norris blowing up Halo, and went on an adventure all by his lonely.

Delta HaloEdit

After supposedly skipping three Halos, the Covies decided to drop off at the 4th one, after their extreme failure at Da Muthaland. Kwarsh was found not to far off at a zoo on Mars by an Elite named Joey, who had apparently been lied to by a woman. He refused to comment any further, but was very itchy when he made his statement.

After the war kwarsh became major enemy's with a group of Spartans on a halo ring so he tried to destroy them many times but he failed because he didn't drink as much gruntiness before every battle to he was sentenced to work in the fart mines for the rest of his life until he fainted for 70 years or he had visions of his future.

After his escape from the zoo, Kwarsh and Joey jumped on a motorcycle, and attempted to land on a passing by Covie capital ship. They sped towards a very large hill, and clipped the ship, only to have their means of transportation destroyed by a human with Tourette's Syndrome, who, as expected, made an unnatural muscle spasm that clicked the button of a missile silo.
After some embarrassing communiqué, Joey got another ship to pick him and Kwarsh up. It was a junker, a Spirit. Kwarsh and Joey got on, and headed to Delta Halo, where they were told that they hated Brutes.

When they got there, they found Yayap had been imprisoned for helping Chuck Norris blow up the Alpha Hula Hoop]. Kwarsh freed Yayap, assassinated the prophets and together they became The Covenant's supreme overlords after the great War on Pants, where Yayap sided with Kwarsh.

War on PantsEdit

After the Human-Covie war ended, all that was left was an Armada of Grunts, and they lived in peace--For awhile--until Espock, the biggest asshole in all of Balaho, decided that Grunts should wear pants. Everyone thought this was fine, except for Kwarsh, who retaliated by using the Gruntiness to pwn anyone wearing pants because he only owned one pair, and it had a huge smear of shit all over the ass. Sooner or later, more and more were using Gruntiness, and a civil war Broke out, known as the War on Pants. Millions on Kwarsh's side, millions on Espock's. The eventual victor was Kwarsh's army, who "executed" Espock by mass-tickling after he lost to Kwarsh at Halo 2. To this day, nobody knows why this is a big event

Soulja Boy the Jackal

Soulja Boy the Jackal...


Finally, after the long war on pants, Kwarsh finally ruled the covenant alongside Yayap. He made many welcomed changes, as well as some bad ones. They are as follows:

  • Outruled capital punishment to anyone not being tried by the council
  • Was forced to stop Blogging because The Prophet Of Fecal Matter did not enjoy his blog.

Chuck NorrisCompute-whoreBadass MofoJohnson's BitchFlood Beach Ball1000x better than Captain KeyesWarthog Guy

Covenant/Covenant Separatist
E.T. Gone BadTartar SauceArbiturdRats in a Vacuum|Nothing's Wrong.Used ta' Go H.A.M. Over Leather-hamThat guy named after what made Jessi Slaughter cry.Prophet of SagginessBoss Battle #1Prophet of PimpsFemale Prophets Exist??Suck'a ZombieDem D-BagsThe Ugly TurkeyDa Crusadaz|Worms in your PieMORE worms in your pie...Gawd 'Allmyghtee
LightbulbCaptain Stinky BreathKing of GruntsYapyap the FirstAnother grunt with the Yapyap name"Pope" Yapyap IIITIDDLESThat Whiney Assfaced Jerk