Prophets are the great speech makers

AV Johnson
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For those born without a sense of humour, Halopedia has an article on Ballchinians.
Cquote1Blah, blah, blah, Humans, you will die now. Once I've finished my awesomely cool speech.Cquote2
— Prophets On Humans
Cquote1Blah, blah, blah, cult suing monkeys... divine godness.Cquote2
— Prophets On Great Journey
Cquote1SHOOT DAT WHORE!Cquote2
— The Prophet of Haters commanding Truth to kill Miranda
Cquote1We want you to die, but we want you to help us before you do because you're one of the best soldiers we've got, and most of the other Elites aren't as devoted to their job as you. But no pay rise.


— Prophet of Truth to the Assbiter


I am TRUTH, the voice of the Covenant!

Prophets, also known as Sat in'Shiv are the guys in the Covenant who think they're the best. While Prophets can talk for extended periods of time and think up boring speeches in seconds, they do not possess really any physical power whatsoever. Their existance resulted from sex that occurred between Steven hawking and a camel. They ride around on flying chairs with huge lasers on them, yet no drink holders. At one point, there were three Prophets who were "Hierarchs." Their names were Truth, Mercy, and Regret (which are funny names because I distinctly remember hearing about a Prophet of Opposites)... They all were raving on about blowing themselves up until Regret was killed from provoking Master Chief, Mercy got infected with Aids, and Truth was killed when his flying chair malfunctioned, ending his life instantly in a large ball of flame. They command all Covenant species to dip into the butter cauldron so sticky grenades don't stick to them they just slide off. They have also been known to send many fluffy monsters on missions to find the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. Partly to find out about the Halos and also to have a laugh when the bags of fluff are killed.

The reason the Prophets are on those damn chairs all the time is because some smart ass Brute thought it would be funny to play a prank on the ballchins by super-gluing them to their chairs.


The Prophets never get lucky so I am not going to waste my time saying how one would--or could--ever get laid. Besides the Prophet of Haters, who had sex every 5 minutes which he proclaimed was not true, but a horny grunt found footage off the internet and he got kicked out of his Prophet school, and Prophet of Restraint (people call him DA BALLA). The prophetess of obligation upheld the tradition of ironic names and got herself pregant with twins somehow. and the high prophtes have concubines. huh. even these ugly old bastards actualy do do stuff. more often than a N00b at least.


After the events of Halo 3, all the testical chins got laid, contracting AIDZ and disappearing from Society forever, but no-one really cares.

Because of the Flood, there was once only 20 million Prophets (sad), but then there was only 1000 (HOLY FUCK THAT IS REALLY SAD), furthermore proving that Prophets suck.

Naked Prophet

A Baby Prophet

Famous Prophets Edit

Prophet of Haters.png


  • Adolf Hitler (traitor that joined the Ubers, killed by God)
  • Allah
  • Prophet of Whatshisname
  • Barbara Streisand (died when she sang for Adolf Hitler, he ordered her killed, then went to hell for being a pansy)
  • Barack Saddam Hussein Mohammed Nasir bin Olu Dara Kareem Abdul Lupe Fiasco Stanely Obama (yes, that is his full name)
  • Beavis and Butthead
  • Bill Gates and his evil twin Mr Bean
  • Charles Montgomery Burns
  • Chester Cheetah
  • The Prophet of Prophets (he wasn't really a prophet.)
  • Christopher Walken
  • Chuck Norris
  • Confucius
  • DanTDM (Fuck that guy though.)
  • Dick Cheney
  • Dingy Harry (Harry Read)
  • Your mom's mom (the most evilest fucking person this universe will ever know!)
  • Master Shake
  • Eric Cartman
  • Fidel Castro
  • Gandhi (he never used his chair)
  • George W. Bush (both of them)
  • Harry Potter
  • Homer Simpson
  • Jerry Seinfield
  • The Jonas Brothers (motherfucking EVIL)
  • Mao Zedong
  • Master Chief's psychiatrist
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Oprah
  • Prophet of Disdain (committed suicide)
  • Prophet of Haters (Daum! He was hatin' bad!)
  • Prophet of Lies
  • Prophet of Mercy
  • Prophet of Misinterpretation (started the Grunt Rebellion)
  • Prophetess of Objection (he objects being in this list, but no one cares)
  • Prophet of Obligation
  • Prophet of Pitying the Fool (Not to be confused with Sgt. J. Otherwise, we will be pitying a fool.)
  • Prophet of Regret
  • Prophet of Restraint
  • Prophet of Tolerance
  • Prophet of Truth
  • Prophet of Cookies
  • Prophet of Ignorance
  • Prophet of Eye Cancer
  • Prophet of HugduimG'ashgar'mentakein'Grunt
  • Prophet Of Scrooginess (The Prophet version of Santa)
  • Prophet of Shadunkadunk
  • Prophet of Whatever (knows exactly what he is doing)
  • Prophet of N00bz (Complete Pro at any shooter he plays)
  • Prophet of Homosexuality (The sraightest prophet in all of the Covenant)
  • Prophet of Heterosexuality (fucking homo)
  • Prophet of Bisexuality (is not attracted to anything)
  • Prophet of No-sexuality (attracted to both sexes)
  • Prophet of Intelligence (dumbass)
  • Prophet of Courtesy (selfish fuck)
  • Prophet of Irony. (Ironically, the only prophet whos name rings true)
  • Prophet of Coolness (uglier than this guy)
  • Prophet of Pacifist (likes to start wars)
  • Prophet of Poor (richer than Bill Gates)
  • Prophet of Lame (puts Darth Vader to shame)
  • Prophet of Equal Rights (speciest)
  • Prophet of Stupidity (IQ of OVER 9000)
  • Prophet of Wiseness (dumber than Tartarus)
  • Rosey O'donnel
  • Snoop Dog
  • Prince
  • Stephen Harper
  • Steven Hawking
  • Susan B. Anthony
  • The Godfather
  • The big racist bird from Sesame Street
  • The Pope
  • The Sith Lord from Star Wars (not the gay one)
  • Zac Efron
  • Leapold "Butters" Stotch. Honorary for gluing fake balls to his chin.
  • Papa John
  • Little Ceaser
  • Osama bin Laden
  • Justin Bieber (the absolute evil!)
  • Meatwad
  • Lady Gaga
  • Burger King
  • The Count (1...2...3 Triple Kill! Hahahaha!)
  • KFC
  • Elmo
  • Vladimir Putin
  • MY Dad
  • Ur Dad
  • Obama (He is so f#&@%ng evil!)
  • Stalin
  • SuperMineCraftKid (One of the most evil fucking creatures ever)
  • StampyCat
  • John McCain
  • Jay-Z
  • Robotnik
  • yo mama
  • you
  • Ronald McDonald
  • Bob Hope
  • The Prophet of MY AYASSSSS!!!!!!!!
  • The prophet of SWAG
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